November 5, 2023
He could have left me there, and I never would have known.
I woke up for one moment last night with an awareness that my Jesus was standing over me. I couldn’t see His face or make out any details, but I saw His figure and knew that He was there. It gave a sweet knowing, a feeling of being known and protected, the warmest, safest feeling of peace and quiet joy. It lasted only a few seconds, and I fell back asleep.
When I woke for the day a while later, He had put this song in my heart:
“You’ve been so so good to me
You’ve been so so good to me
Oh, to think where I would be
If not for You not for You
If not for You"
Four years ago, when He came and stood next to me and revealed His presence for the first time, He breathed on me ever so gently. There were physical sensations in this experience, but the intellectual aspect was the most powerful part. (How well He knows me.) I had this deepest, stunning revelation that He was real. He was more real than anything I had ever known in this world. My next thought was the realization that I had been running from Him my entire life. That, literally, He was still my last choice, and I had put everything else in this world before Him. Everything else that did not help and did not matter. That I had done everything I possibly could to avoid coming face to face with Him. To avoid this moment, really. But here He was.
As I have shared many times, my response was two and a half hours of weeping in repentance, begging Him to make me want Him more than anything else in the world.
He has answered that prayer on deeper, and deeper, and deeper levels over the past four years, but the answer to that prayer has taken discipline and a commitment from me. It has taken a partnering with Him by seeking Him daily, to make Him my first thought of the day. To stay my thoughts on Him for at least an hour every morning before I do anything else. Before I think of anything else. To sit with Him in the morning. In the blue hour of the twilight. To still my heart and let Him be with me. To give my heart and my life to Him again. To renew my vows to Him. To let Him speak to me, if He should choose to do so. To let Him take me in the spirit in visions, if He should so choose. But if not, to sit in the quiet with Him like I would with my closest friend, because He is.
Do you know the kind of friendship where you don’t have to say anything to each other? Isn’t that beautiful? He is so endlessly worthy of all of our attention. All of our affection. All of our devotion.
But here is the thing that I will never get over: He could have left me there, just like I was, and I never would have known any differently. I was in such a stupor that I didn’t even know what a stupor I was in. My mind was so fried from so much trauma, so much medication, so much alcohol, that if He had never encountered me that day, I never would have even known how lost I was, or how real He is.
Oh, that’s the mercy and the goodness of God, isn’t it? How many of us have similar stories? He comes in and gives the revelation, the light of the knowledge of Himself, which is life, to those who had no clue of His beauty, His goodness, the deep, deep reality of Jesus.
So, Lord, I will walk salvation’s road with fear and trembling, seeking daily a deeper revelation of the reality and the beauty of Jesus. Seeking a way to have every breath, every step, every thought, every word, dripping with the intention of Jesus. I intend with my whole heart, mind, soul, and strength to love You. To know You more, come what may.
I love You. Sometimes I don’t say it out loud, but I want to say it this morning. I love You, Jesus. And I want to thank You this morning. Thank You, my King.