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Uvalde

In the early afternoon on May 24, 2022, I read about some "philosopher" named Alan Watts who said, "Existence is weird." I read of his cultic religious views, and how he had taken his own life. Long ago, I was immersed in some of the same things he was.


At about 3 in the afternoon, Mountain Standard Time, I began to feel a blackness come over my heart and my mind. I laid down, and thoughts of my old life came to mind. I was plunged into the deepest, darkest depression, so much so that it scared me, and I called out to the Lord.


I went out to water the garden. I played worship and reminded myself that the Lord had DELIVERED me from the domain of darkness and transferred me into the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom I have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.


I could not shake the feeling, so came inside and checked my Twitter feed. It was then that I saw that earlier in the day, an 18-year-old had slaughtered children at an elementary school in Texas in a mass shooting. Uvalde.


I wept and I wailed - that day, and every morning for a week. I was inconsolable at the loss of innocent life. I rent my heart at the realization that I had cared more about the state of my carpet and blinds than the state of souls or the lives of children in this country. I had failed to intercede for things that mattered: souls and lives.


On the evening of the seventh day, there was still no relenting to my lamentation, so I shut myself in the secret place in the evening and cried out to the Lord. And HE SHOWED UP AS MY FATHER.


Do you remember when you were very young and would fall asleep somewhere before it was time to go home? And you would semi-wake to the whooshing, rocking feeling of your parent carrying you? This used to happen to me when I would fall asleep at my grandma's house, and my dad would carry me to the car - when things were good at home.


That evening in the secret place, I cried out to the Lord out of my deep need for Him, and He came to me in exactly that way. It was so surprising, but I felt Him, literally, physically, carrying me. He walked me and rocked me until I stopped wailing.


The following Saturday morning, I went very early to the church to pray alone for four hours. I came home and slept, and as I was coming awake, he said something to me that was so sweetly tender and intimate that I blushed for a full day afterwards whenever I thought of it. I was giddy like a girl.


But the effect of the words He said to me turned out to be immensely practical. Every time I would catch myself acting out of line with what He said to me, about me, I would repent, thank Him for His love, and change my behavior.


This word spoken to me so tenderly taught me that, while I could not have prevented the tragedy even if I had interceded in the way I repented so deeply of for failing, I could change my immediate surroundings by loving those closest to me. It has taken me a while and I still fall short, but He is continuing to teach me how this is what He wants of me, and He is giving me more and more grace to accomplish it. His grace is sufficient for me. 


I sometimes realize that I fail to fully grasp His love for me. Other times, but not nearly often enough, I get the revelation of some semblance of the depth of it, and it makes me gasp. I am actually on His mind all the time.


And so are you, friend. His thoughts for us outnumber the grains of sands in the sea. Think about this, fall apart in His arms if need be, and let Him love you into the reality of it.


I will sing of His faithfulness. I will tell of all He has done for me, how steadfastly He has loved me all my life. I will write of how His steadfast love reaches to the clouds.


Thank You, Father.

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